tonight i know i’m coming to it

coming to it

the truth is closer than it’s ever been

but i’m coming to it

the winds that chill

the cold that freezes

the calm that takes over when

that takes over when the sun doesn’t

the road is leading me

into another and that’s nowhere

it’s nowhere familiar  and i’ve been there before and

the life i lost i found in that place

it’s dark and cold and i know exactly where i am

can’t you see

it’s a roadsign i’ve followed

to find me off path

it’s somewhere i need to be

it’s when i’m lost

i’m truly found

and it’s where

i can feel rooted to the ground

I am here by choice
It is a blessing to type on a plain document
And not in a template

I am here because of a realization
Of who I am
And who I want to be

I am a writer
I am a creative person
I am an artist
I am a thinker

I no longer live by a template
A set of rules
A set of by-laws
A set of textbook regulations

I no longer need an access card
Or work till twelve
Or suffer the consequence of an alarm

I am a controller of my own fate
My own destiny
My laziness, my motivation
My will, my skills,
My dreams, my hopes, my needs and wants
My will be done in this time

I will no longer require to smile
When I don’t need to
Or bow at the feet of an email
To pretend to comprehend
To pretend to adhere
To express acknowledgement of acceptance

I am now a free spirit
And nothing can break my bones
Nothing can blow me over
I am my choice

there’s no more use

for excuses

no reasons to stay

no lies to fabricate

no more alibis to make

no dreams to make out of dreams

no more plans to jot down

no more words left to exchange

let’s just try to

fade away

this drive home

i have never felt so alone

going back from the place

i can’t go anymore

this moment

i am locked up in my sadness

i am reduced to nothingness

i am broken down to pieces

no one can really fix me back again

no one should even try

no one should attempt to mend who i am

and only you knew

the reasons why

this damage

is only here cos i was once happy with you

imagination makes the fool

this crack in my heart

falling apart

from knowing you’re not here anymore

what is the cost of this

this tear in my hand

this pain i keep

like the last keepsake from you

just in case

one day i can’t remember you

i will remember you when

another tear

falls in my hand

a short one on perspective.  a very raw draft!

he pointed at the sun

and did some soul searching

how will i tell her

he thought with a smile

tickets in pocket

he turned up to shake up her world

and he got what wanted

since the last time he wanted anything

he glazed at the moon

and did some soul searching

how should i tell her

he thought with a smile

ring in his pocket

came without strings

purchased without a promise

but it enclosed her

caged in dreaming

he sat in his room

and did some soul searching

how do i tell her

without smashing our lives into pieces of glass

how should i tell her

we’re all falling apart

with a tear in his pocket

he said good bye

walked into the twilight

and disappeared into dust

i heard this song on starworld, they used it for some trailer.  i love starworld trailers, somehow they use the best tracks.  and while i’ve heard this song before, i’ve never bothered to find out the lyrics til now.  it’s beautiful.

it makes me think about the sunny days on the beaches of Tup and Khai, ice cold Chang and Singha, the little moments on the speedboat my mind is rocked by the memory of the tsunami and the suffering of the locals, the moments my heart sprang into life and feeling like i was 16 again.  oh the perils of a holiday crush!  why he never showed it for the fire show, we will never find out but it was a beautiful night at Hippy’s Bar anyway!  If only we exchanged contacts with the big happy group.

i truly am thankful for my holiday buddies, A and V, who have made this holiday nothing short of spectacular and anything but ordinary.  it is one of those trips that you recall over many beers to come, reminisce over a lonely cigarette, think back with a tear stuck in your heart.  in a span of days, we have visited numerous islands, ran away from gigantic green iguanas perched on their trainers’ shoulders, gone rafting and gone overboard thrown into the icy cold and shallow waters.

after all the sea urchin stings, mosquito bites, cuts, bruises, sunburn and hangovers, i would gladly revisit this period of my life without any question.

i really do love thailand and i will definitely go back, maybe for a quick holiday, maybe for a few months. it has not only opened my eyes but my heart, to the beauty and wonder that God has created.  it helped me reflect on my lists of needs and wants and how little i really need to be happy.  cliche as it sounds, all i need is the sun, sand and sea.  and some cut chillis floating in fish sauce.

the trip may be over but i am already planning for another.  i would give up a lot just to return to the little stretch of ao nang, to be snorkeling again in the turquoise waters off the beach, to be able to sip a pina colada from a freshly cut coconut while adjusting the rickety rented beach chair.

i will return.

“Built To Last”

I’ve looked for love in stranger places,
but never found someone like you.
Someone whose smile makes me feel I’ve been holding back,
and now there’s nothing I can’t do.

‘Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should,
but most of all it’s built to last.

All of our friends saw from the start.
So why didn’t we believe it too?
Whoa yeah, now look where we are.
You’re in my heart now.
And there’s no escaping it for you.

‘Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should,
but most of all it’s built to last.

Walking on the hills that night with those fireworks and candlelight
You and I were made to get love right

‘Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should,
but most of all it’s built to last.

‘Cause you are the sun in my universe,
considered the best when we’ve felt the worst
and most of all it’s built to last.

i will
yes i will
keep the promise i kept
from the day we met
yes i can
go back in time
go round in circles

but would you
think it’s worth it
would you
consider it done

i’m the only constant
you can count on
in these times
when lovers
come and go
go and never return
i’m the only old school girl
you can count on
in these times
when people
say i love you and good bye
on the same day
and i’m still here
i’ll never forget you my dear

tonight i will not think of you
of all the things you dared to put through
i’m gonna think of me
and what life allows it to be

i try to forgive and forget
but what’s there to forgive
when there’s no apology
but a whole life’s worth of regret

it’s so long ago
but really, has it been so
has it been years or months or seconds
sometimes the heart doesn’t know
it’s been a good lifetime
reaching out for the dust
that’s settled long ago
sometimes the heart doesn’t know

tonight i shall put you away
pretend that everything’s all ok
i’m gonna be me
and everything life is unexpected to be

sometimes when i drink too much

i think i have the magic touch

my pens and papers respond

in anticipation

before i can reciprocate with a word

sometimes i think the fibres in the papers

or the kink in the ink

tell you to try harder

it will work out

just keep writing

just keep erasing

til it all rubs away

like skin rubs way after burns

like souls evaporate like vapour

it will go away

i am you

you are all i am

my essense of being

my being of real

i am you

you are me

we are but one existence

one hand on a pen

one pen on a pice of paper

one paper leading up to drunken dreams

one dream to make it

the one dream of your being

you are more

you are more than all

of whom you imagine your littleness to be

you are a life

a soul

a rightful inhabit

and you will be

a writer.

at 29 or the end of it,

you realize your real best friend is the one whose younger sister you’ve known since she was 11.

she is the one who will pick up your dog’s anti-scab vet shampoo when you are too busy to do so.

the one who asked about your past during your supposed happy present.

the one who talks about 10 years ago as clearly as she can in your joint memory.

the one who recognized the raise in your eye brows when you realize 2 jugs or more is not enough in a working man’s day.

the one who doesn’t judge in you in all your drunken despair and your memories of glory’s past.

the one who recognizes you are the point break between puking into the toilet bowl  or getting drunk just immersing into reality.

the one who remembers your innocence and your naivety and recognized that you have carried into your late twenties, without a hint of cynicism or bitching to someone else about all your shit.

the one whom you can be two or three weeks without, and still feel you have never left that person or feel like she has left you.

the one who doesn’t care if you have put on a pound or two, or investigate into the pound or two you’ve lost without coming up with a big theory about depression or weight loss pills.

the one who acknowledges your love for music in one genre while respecting her own love for another genre, without judging too much. and somehow there is organic assimilation.  same goes for movies.

the one whom you thought ten years ago was vastly different, yet somehow along the twenties, realize, pain is but a human process.  no matter now different we were, growing pains were but a part of a growing process, it’s organic.

the one who doesn’t really like the live band places you like, but make an effort to come.  the one whom you would brave discos for.

happy anniversary, miss kwek.  happy 11 years.